Rainy Days.

Sometimes I truly cannot figure out where the past couple years of my life have gone... how I ended up here, in a little two bedroom apartment on another rainy afternoon in Starkville, Mississippi. I would be lying if I tried to tell anyone that I'm not terrified of this place- of the memories it holds, and more importantly the new challenges it will bring to me this year. That's the simple truth. Of the multitude of feelings and emotions that have been running rampant in my life over the past few months, fear is what stands out the most in this moment. 

Five months ago I did not think I would be back here. I had decided for various reasons that I would move back home to Memphis. Then my life took a very unexpected turn, and as a result, I made the choice to stay. I'm not sure anything could have prepared me for what it's been like to come back to this place without the people who once made it my home. I miss them more each day. It feels empty and lonely the vast majority of the time, even when I am surrounded by all of the incredible friends I have here. I don't quite know how to face the coming semesters when it seems as if I am completely starting over in a place that was once so familiar, so easy.

What I'm beginning to learn, however, is how God uses these things in our lives that seem so foreign and uninviting to make us see how much we need Him. I am being reminded every day that my thoughts and feelings are right- I can't do this by myself. I can't even come close. I need Jesus more than I can possibly imagine. My dad said something a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me. He reminded me that God never promised to keep us from worldly harm, but from ultimate harm. I am going to cry and I am going to struggle. We all are. But knowing that I will spend eternity in my Father's arms is the greatest hope of all, and it makes everything thing else seem a little less important. I don't know God's plan for me in this life, but I know it's more perfect than I could dream, even on the hardest of days.

Thankful.

What is it about this world that it seems like it can come crashing down on you at any second? We linger on the edge of the decisions we make, the changes that take place, and the consequences of our actions and those of the people around us. It can feel impossible, at times, to be a part of this place that we seem to have no control over.

I've spent the last two years getting to know an incredible person who has, undoubtedly, changed my life in more ways than I could ever imagine. Currently, my heart is breaking, not only for myself, but for him as well. Life is hard. And we all make choices that even we might not understand. But even the hard things have a purpose. They also can't take away from the countless beautiful memories or the parts of yourself that have been changed for the better by an experience, or in my case, a truly wonderful human being . It's all just a journey. The twists and turns, they make you who you are.

I have no doubt that everything happens for a reason. I know that God gives us these obstacles and struggles because they are part of His plan... something far greater than I could ever imagine. But I also know that God puts certain people in your life to help you along... to help shape who you are as a person... and to hold you when it seems as if it's all going wrong. He gives us people who love us unconditionally, people who know even the darkest parts of you and still tell you it will all be okay. People to love in return. And even when those worlds collide... when that one person is the same one you want to hide away from... there is a peace. For me, at least, there is a thankfulness that surrounds even the hardest of those days. That is something that can never be taken away. That is truly the joy of God's plan.

Pulling through the wreckage.

As many of you know, six days ago I was involved in a car accident on my way to Chattanooga. The amount of support and prayers I have received from so many people has been beyond encouraging to me this past week. I must say, I never thought something like this would happen to me. I feel that we all live that way. I watched many of my closest friends struggle with life and death situations all through my high school years and even this past year away at college. I've learned how to deal with such things in my own way up until now. Now it's my life that was almost taken- my life that God so graciously allowed to continue.

It's really easy for me to put on a smile and face the world... face the comments, reactions, and responses I receive constantly from everyone who heard about the accident. And I am truly blessed to have so many people who care this deeply about my life. But it's been a struggle. My battle with depression over the last 5 or so years has caused me to spend countless days wondering why I'm here, not caring about whether or not I make it, and even, at times, wishing I wasn't here at all. But last Thursday night as I lost control of that wheel, I knew I was going to die... and I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life. I will never forget that feeling. And as soon as it was over and I crawled out of that car, I knew that God had just given me the greatest gift in the world... not only life, but the desire to live. He showed me that He was not done with me yet- that His plans go far beyond anything I have planned for myself.

I am so thankful for my life and for a God who is so loving and so in control of everything in it. Now I just have to learn how to move forward. Even as the pain lessens and my scars fade, I have a lot of mental and emotional healing to do. Right now I still spend the majority of my day replaying the accident over and over again in my head- reliving every image, every sound, and every fear. It's weighing me down more than I could have ever imagined, and sometimes it seems like it's far too much for me to handle. But I know this isn't forever. I know that God is right here every step of the way and this is the path He has prepared for me. I shouldn't have been able to walk away from that car... but I did, and because of that... because of God...  life goes on.

Choices and Change.

People makes choices every day. If we are lucky, we make the right ones. But so often, it isn't that simple. Sometimes we are blinded by the "now"... the instant gratification we get from our decisions. This can be dangerous. It causes us to hurt ourselves as well as the people we love the most, the people who hurt for us.

People are going to disappoint us, just as we disappoint them, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it okay. There's a fine line between tolerance and walking away. Lately I'm having a hard time finding it. I'm starting to think that I've let certain situations go too far. Sometimes it feels as if they are eating away at me. However, I can't let go of the faint hope that it's not all for nothing. Occasionally we want to believe more than anything that someone or something will change, but the truth is... it's not up to us. Some people might say walking away is the easy way out, but, for me, it would be one of the hardest things I've ever done. 

So maybe we never know for sure, maybe there is no right answer. People make choices that disappoint and hurt us, and we choose whether or not to move on from them. It's a never-ending cycle that we will spend our whole lives trying to overcome.

Weekend Thoughts.

1) For most of my life, I've felt the need to hide myself from the world and everyone around me. I've been afraid to show my imperfections...my flaws. I viewed my brokenness as a weakness, as something to be ashamed of. But a friend recently showed me that is so far from the truth. My brokenness makes me who I am. The pain and struggles I've experienced have helped me grow and become who I am, and I shouldn't be ashamed of that. My depression and the way I deal with it doesn't have to define me, and I've let it for far too long. God has planned my life out this way and the best I can do is live it for him, proudly.

2) Every rare once in a while, someone will come into your life who challenges everything about who you are. They help you find yourself in ways you could never imagine... they somehow know you better than you know yourself. And all of a sudden, you find yourself realizing it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter how often they mess up, hurt, or disappoint you... they're still worth it. People may tell you over and over again to walk away, but you know you couldn't even if you wanted to. Some people are just too important to ever let go of. It's one of the scariest things you will ever experience, but also one of the most fulfilling. Don't ever give up on that one person, or those people. Love them with all of your heart and forgive them when they wrong you, no questions asked. One day they may realize how much they need you as well, if they haven't already. Regardless, they are worth the wait.

Wedded Bliss.

I must start by saying: I’m not normally the type to walk away from a wedding feeling especially inspired. I was never the 7-year-old who planned out every last detail of my special day, nor did I ever really dream up my own version of Prince Charming. However, on Friday I attended the wedding of a co-worker and good friend, and have since been unable to stop replaying the entire evening in my mind. Our wonderful minister said a few words that have been stuck in my head since the moment they left his lips. He spoke about the fact that so much emphasis seems to be placed on passion, spark, and love… but “What about friendship?”

“I believe friendship is the catalyst of love and romance.” - Reverend Ed Norton

This one sentence has been resonating with me for the last few days. Maybe it’s my southern roots and the undeniable pressure on girls to be married or engaged by the time they graduate college (which is a whole different issue), but marriage in general has been on my mind lately. Let’s face it: this is the truth that no one wants to accept. Society throws these “storybook romances” in our face every chance it gets - movies, novels, television shows - it’s never-ending. Everyone wants their shot at a perfect, passion-filled “happily ever after.” It’s human nature, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But what happens when (inevitably) the passion, the spark… go away? Rev. Norton was right. Without friendship, there is nothing.
Here’s one we’ve all heard before: “You should marry your best friend.” Well, I’m no expert on married life, but it sounds about right to me. But why? Well, in my experience (personal and otherwise), because you will never find anyone more true. Whether they’ve been your friend for years or your friendship developed right alongside your relationship, you can’t really ask for more than that. Friendship means trust, comfort, reliability, accountability, and, most importantly, love. Friendship places the building blocks for a strong relationship. It takes some people years to find themselves at this level; others are blessed enough to be there from day 1.
Sadly this means that along the way, we’ll lose some of those friends. I’m learning that as I get older, I must accept the reality that friendships and relationships change constantly. And, in a lot of ways, it becomes more and more difficult to have friends of the opposite sex. With each new relationship comes a new friendship that can’t be equaled. I can’t compete with my guy friends’ girlfriends, just as they can’t compete with whoever may hold that spot in my life at the time. Sometimes that is hard for us to understand, hard for us to deal with; but it’s simply a part of life. We have to learn to let go, to give up our title of best friend.

So my advice? When you finally find that person you aren’t willing to give that up for… hold on to them. I don’t know who I’ll marry. I don’t know if it will be someone I have yet to meet, or if it is someone who has been sitting right in front of me. My future hasn’t been decided. All I know for sure, is that whether I’m 25 or 50, the man standing at the end of my aisle will be nothing short of my best friend.

Time.

People have always said that time heals all things. I, however, have not found that to be necessarily true in my own life. Sure, time can aid in easing pain, it can help you grow, and (if you’re lucky) it can help you move on. But time is not some cure-all answer to every problem you face. Time doesn’t heal you. It takes so much more than that to overcome an obstacle, an issue, or even a person. I often find myself waiting around for things to get better, but recently I’ve had to face the hard fact that it’s just not that simple. Lately I’ve been surrounded by people telling me how to react, how to deal with, how to move past a certain situation… and the advice I’ve been hearing the most is, “give it time.” While I understand where this comes from, let’s be honest, it’s nothing more than the easy way out. “Giving it time” doesn’t help anyone overcome a problem any more than ignoring it does. It will simply build up the pain, the tension, the emotions associated with whatever you are dealing with. Almost exactly 3 years ago, I went through what I thought would be the most emotionally and mentally scarring situation in my life. While it was nothing short of life altering, my more recent experience has definitely taken an even larger toll in its own way. And as I sit here, thinking about these last 3 years… time has not fixed the hurt that I went through. I still pay the price for the decisions I made, even after all of this time. So I’m forced to accept the difficult truth: time won’t fix this pain. We all make choices everyday, choices that result in both rewards and consequences. The reality is, though, that just because something doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean that it never will. So often what we view as a negative outcome later brings about something far greater than we could ever have imagined. Patience really is a virtue. It’s just a matter of either waiting on something (or someone) to come around, or simply finding the good in why they never did. The most any person can do is have faith in God and accept life for what it is: an extremely difficult, rugged, and heartbreaking but beautiful journey.