Rainy Days.

Sometimes I truly cannot figure out where the past couple years of my life have gone... how I ended up here, in a little two bedroom apartment on another rainy afternoon in Starkville, Mississippi. I would be lying if I tried to tell anyone that I'm not terrified of this place- of the memories it holds, and more importantly the new challenges it will bring to me this year. That's the simple truth. Of the multitude of feelings and emotions that have been running rampant in my life over the past few months, fear is what stands out the most in this moment. 

Five months ago I did not think I would be back here. I had decided for various reasons that I would move back home to Memphis. Then my life took a very unexpected turn, and as a result, I made the choice to stay. I'm not sure anything could have prepared me for what it's been like to come back to this place without the people who once made it my home. I miss them more each day. It feels empty and lonely the vast majority of the time, even when I am surrounded by all of the incredible friends I have here. I don't quite know how to face the coming semesters when it seems as if I am completely starting over in a place that was once so familiar, so easy.

What I'm beginning to learn, however, is how God uses these things in our lives that seem so foreign and uninviting to make us see how much we need Him. I am being reminded every day that my thoughts and feelings are right- I can't do this by myself. I can't even come close. I need Jesus more than I can possibly imagine. My dad said something a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me. He reminded me that God never promised to keep us from worldly harm, but from ultimate harm. I am going to cry and I am going to struggle. We all are. But knowing that I will spend eternity in my Father's arms is the greatest hope of all, and it makes everything thing else seem a little less important. I don't know God's plan for me in this life, but I know it's more perfect than I could dream, even on the hardest of days.