Rainy Days.

Sometimes I truly cannot figure out where the past couple years of my life have gone... how I ended up here, in a little two bedroom apartment on another rainy afternoon in Starkville, Mississippi. I would be lying if I tried to tell anyone that I'm not terrified of this place- of the memories it holds, and more importantly the new challenges it will bring to me this year. That's the simple truth. Of the multitude of feelings and emotions that have been running rampant in my life over the past few months, fear is what stands out the most in this moment. 

Five months ago I did not think I would be back here. I had decided for various reasons that I would move back home to Memphis. Then my life took a very unexpected turn, and as a result, I made the choice to stay. I'm not sure anything could have prepared me for what it's been like to come back to this place without the people who once made it my home. I miss them more each day. It feels empty and lonely the vast majority of the time, even when I am surrounded by all of the incredible friends I have here. I don't quite know how to face the coming semesters when it seems as if I am completely starting over in a place that was once so familiar, so easy.

What I'm beginning to learn, however, is how God uses these things in our lives that seem so foreign and uninviting to make us see how much we need Him. I am being reminded every day that my thoughts and feelings are right- I can't do this by myself. I can't even come close. I need Jesus more than I can possibly imagine. My dad said something a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me. He reminded me that God never promised to keep us from worldly harm, but from ultimate harm. I am going to cry and I am going to struggle. We all are. But knowing that I will spend eternity in my Father's arms is the greatest hope of all, and it makes everything thing else seem a little less important. I don't know God's plan for me in this life, but I know it's more perfect than I could dream, even on the hardest of days.

Thankful.

What is it about this world that it seems like it can come crashing down on you at any second? We linger on the edge of the decisions we make, the changes that take place, and the consequences of our actions and those of the people around us. It can feel impossible, at times, to be a part of this place that we seem to have no control over.

I've spent the last two years getting to know an incredible person who has, undoubtedly, changed my life in more ways than I could ever imagine. Currently, my heart is breaking, not only for myself, but for him as well. Life is hard. And we all make choices that even we might not understand. But even the hard things have a purpose. They also can't take away from the countless beautiful memories or the parts of yourself that have been changed for the better by an experience, or in my case, a truly wonderful human being . It's all just a journey. The twists and turns, they make you who you are.

I have no doubt that everything happens for a reason. I know that God gives us these obstacles and struggles because they are part of His plan... something far greater than I could ever imagine. But I also know that God puts certain people in your life to help you along... to help shape who you are as a person... and to hold you when it seems as if it's all going wrong. He gives us people who love us unconditionally, people who know even the darkest parts of you and still tell you it will all be okay. People to love in return. And even when those worlds collide... when that one person is the same one you want to hide away from... there is a peace. For me, at least, there is a thankfulness that surrounds even the hardest of those days. That is something that can never be taken away. That is truly the joy of God's plan.